Very early in life we learn how to behave appropriately in social situations. We learn how to present ourselves in public, with friends, at work and in intimate relationships. From an evolutionary perspective this makes perfect sense as our survival depends on us belonging to, and being accepted by, our tribe.
So we necessarily adapt how we present ourselves in the world to ensure acceptance. Often this involves withholding our true thoughts, feelings or opinions so as to fit in. We learn to align what we say with those around us and we change our appearance and presence to suit the situation. All of this allows us to function in a highly social society.
In fact those who cannot fit into our social and interactive norms are labeled as ‘disordered’ and requiring of treatment or avoidance.
Yet the skill of adapting and filtering our inner world so as to present a socially accepted outer world can eventually leave us disconnected from who we are and what we value. At the very least it can leave us questioning the validity of our inner thoughts.
After all, if everything I think or feel has to be filtered prior to expression it is no wonder I would question my worth.
If everything you think needs filtering, are you normal?
Of course you are. In fact research shows that the majority of people have the same fears as everyone else while at the same time believing they are the only person that thinks that way. Everyone is thinking the same thing! Just like in my last post when I claimed that It is Not All About YOU, I am also the going to say that you are also not that unique in how you think.
Yes, you are an irreplaceable individual soul created and molded by your specific life experiences BUT your fears and self doubt and crazy concerns are shared by many, many others.
You see only about 10% of you is seen and understood by others. 90% of what makes you who you are is totally internal and unable to be objectively and tangibly experienced, let alone understood by others. Your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, values are all personal and just as you can never truly experience what another person is experiencing, no one can truly see all of you.
So you assume that the worries you have are unique and you are the odd one out. While in reality most of your colleagues have the same worries, the same insecurities and the same self-doubts.
The truly crazy thing is that we all are adapting our behaviours to fit in with others who are adapting their behaviour to fit in with you!!!!
We are all pretending. No wonder we lose sight of who we are and what we stand for. After all if everything I think or feel has to be filtered prior to expression if it no wonder I question my normalness.
You are normal .
Chances are you don’t have more angry thoughts than everyone else. Chances are you don’t worry more than everyone else. Chances are you are not more insecure than everyone else.
We all filter our dark, ugly thoughts and sense of failure or feelings of not being good enough so that we present the ‘I’m doing fine’ face to the outside world. So that smooth talking constantly upbeat super successful guy or girl that you wish you were like….is in all likelihood just like you. Full of self-doubt and desperately trying to fit in to being who she or he is expected to be. We are living in a world that has us all wearing a mask to be who we are expected to be.
I don’t know about you, but this is exhausting. When I remember that I am just like you and we are all just trying to do our best I can relax. I can take off my mask and allow myself to be seen because in doing that I am not only helping myself but I am allowing another person to sigh with relief and say ‘Me Too’.
Today just be you. Share your thoughts and feelings. Share you insecurities. You might just be surprised when someone responses with “Me Too”.
If you are ready to shed what is holding you back from achieving your dreams or goals then my Private Coaching Program is for you. Kickstart your 2016 of by letting go of any old habits, beliefs or pattern that weigh you down. Life becomes a lot more fun when your actions align with who you really are and who you know you can truly become.
Call me to learn more about what coaching with me would be like. 0404 061 767
“Kim just had this way of taking all the bits of my life and my ramblings and worries and click them together in a way that made so much sense.
She really seemed to ‘get me’ but at the same time didn’t let me get away with my stories and excuses. I am doing things that my fears and anxieties held me back from for years and it feels amazing”.